Compromising – BrideConfesses

BAG ENVY-A Sign of the Times

(teachingcollegenglish.com)

“Is that a Kate Spade?” she abruptly asked me while interrupting the teacher who was speaking in the front of the classroom. Startled and somewhat unsure of the answer, I peaked in my bag and answered, “Ummm, it’s Henri Bendel.”

“I would have said Kate Spade” she countered.

“No- he’s good too”, I replied.

Immediately she hung her head down as everyone around us looked away. She wasn’t embarrassed about what she asked, just embarrassed that no one cared, and that she got a different response than what she expected. I decided to end the conversation and show how I felt about it with my silence. The habit of people asking someone “who” they are wearing is becoming all too common these days. If you are not a friend or close acquaintance the question can be very off putting. I definitely understand why some consider it to be in bad taste, and why the really wealthy don’t talk about money out loud at all. It’s just not any ones’ business.

It’s funny, the same conversation that annoyed me would have made my day a few years back. AWWW, YES! You’ve acknowledged that I am carrying a somewhat expensive bag. No, it’s not Chanel, nonetheless it also isn’t from a bargain department store. But even back then I never cared about what someone else wore, and after a while I would become a little uncomfortable with the attention if I could sense there was some shade behind the consistent “shout-outs” about what I was wearing. My mindset was simply, if I could get the best, I would. And I still see nothing wrong with that.

The exchange caused me to reflect on a decision I made over the weekend. Do I splurge and buy a bag I really love or do I get two I really like and need (in my opinion)? I hesitantly chose the latter. Afterwards I wasn’t that confident about my smart choice and tucked them away in our back room. The next day I pulled them out and discovered that I truly loved them. I was proud I decided to do something different. Because I’ve grown to care about more things than accessories, I am slightly removed from all the feelings of infatuation an expensive bag can bring. I now notice that some people just want to know what bag you have so they can attempt to imitate your style, the status they think you have, and either discredit or give credit to the individual wearing it. Like many, I too enjoy a good conversation about fashion, but discussing it just to keep score I can do without. It is unfortunate people don’t as quickly want to mimic kindness. I guess that cost too much?

(www.extravaganzi.com)

I’ve been the young girl who couldn’t afford to shop in the retail store where she worked and settled for knock offs. I’ve been the young lady that couldn’t wait to make expensive purchases on “real” things. I have nothing against “high end” or “low end”. I love all bags. But, I am careful not to confuse the bag with the person. Contrary to what the latest songs tell you, a woman with the latest bag and “mean shoe game” does not qualify them to be a part of any special group of people. We are already qualified, and shouldn’t need a bag to convince ourselves of that or anyone else.

A person wearing a big ticket item and having other tangible goods does not make them a better person or a bad person. And by all means please don’t take it as a badge of honor declaring how much money you think they have, often times it is quite the opposite.

Rachel Bryant Lundy

NEW BEGINNINGS: An original yet familiar chapter

Posted by: Rachel Bryant Lundy Posted on: September 5, 2014

(etsy.com)

I know, I know, I know it’s been a while, but for just cause. Since I’m a little rusty, I will try to keep this short and sweet. I am very happy to say that all the previous post I have written about preparing for change have come to fruition, and manifested itself into a new job with awesome potential! Even though I am thrilled and so grateful for the opportunity, I must admit that adjusting to this change has been a challenge, and truthfully a lot harder than I thought. Unfortunately, because my eyes and ears are wide open I have been able to feel every angst and bitter truth that comes with it. And as always, I want to share what I have learned.

What I’ve found to be most hilarious about change is things may end up not being as new as you imagined. There may be quite a few similarities to the past for a few reasons. First, because when it comes to progression or lack thereof, a lot of people and businesses take the same steps in an attempt to move forward. Secondly, there really is little originality in the ways company’s use to foster employee engagement, in the catty and plastic personalities of peers that are worn as a badge of honor as a result from watching reality television, or the resentment that is given by those who are thankful for the position, but wish it would have been handed to them sooner. And lastly, as the popular saying goes, there is nothing new under the sun. What also is quite humorous, is how events and people that you never want to think of again somehow find a way to show back up. And, ends up proving that in order for things to stop haunting you from your past, you need to put an end to it mentally so when it shows up again it won’t have the same effect.

Since change in one area may prove to be beneficial, it is easy for us to begin to think that it’s natural order for the other parts of our lives to follow which actually may not need changing. For instance, if for years you have worked hard becoming a person you are proud of, you have to safeguard yourself from allowing new environments to take you backwards. It’s easy to be good in the same old places, the harder thing is to not let a new environments become a negative influence. While a new start may be just what the doctor ordered, a new you isn’t.

New beginnings can also lead you to confirm how you want your next chapter to end, if you are getting closer to it or farther away, and if you previously wasted time trying to fit in at a place that you never should have been. Not too many things, if any deserve the best years of your life just because you are afraid to take a leap of faith. And although it could be a good change, it may not be good enough and it could force you to seek even harder how to make the change that will allow you to become who you want to be. But no matter how good the new is, it still comes with new crap to deal with. New personalities, new agendas, new spirits to adapt to or fight off, and new temptations to resist that previously did not pose as a problem.

What I have learned the most about new beginnings is that change can be great, yet very humbling. Because what undoubtedly ends up being reaffirmed is that you will still need what allowed you to survive before, if not more of it. In other words your past experiences are just as important as your future ones. We need them to help us navigate the new territory.

It takes courage to try something new, even if it is obviously for the better. And yes, it’s a scary thought thinking of possibly having to eat your words, and regret your decisions. But most change if well thought out is for the better, and any bumps in the road like any other can be figured out over time, as long as you keep in mind that with anything there is good and bad.

Ultimately, what defines a new beginning as successful is if you can see how you will be rewarded in the long run. Keep this in mind when things go slightly unexpected, are boringly predictable, or completely different than imagined because it’s worth it!

Here’s to endless possibilities…

Rachel Bryant Lundy

Wedded Bliss: My ONE YEAR Anniversary!

Posted by: Rachel Bryant Lundy Posted on: June 30, 2014

Countdown begins now! In 6 days I will be married for one whole year. I know it’s just one and not ten, but I’m still excited about it. I feel like it was just yesterday when I was trying to figure out how I was going to pull off my dream wedding on a reality budget. Funny thing is the budget ended up being the easy part, but the planning and people aspects of it really took me for a loop. I have learned a lot in the past year about marriage, myself, and my husband, and I’m sure I will continue to. Fortunately, I don’t have the typical and frightening “everything changes once you get married” experience that is often thrown out when people curiously ask about married life. And, I truly hope it stays that way. If anything our relationship has gotten better. My husband and I still text daily while at work, still hang out, still go to church, and are still each other’s favorite person. Being married is one of the easiest and enjoyable things I have ever done. Yes, challenging at times, but I am so glad I did it. My husband is the best man I could have ever married for me.

I’ve always wanted to be apart of and admired marriages where I could smell the team work, and be able to see that both people rely on one another as support. That is what I have. Marriage requires the tasks of being accountable, being forgiving, being committed, and a plethora of other demands, but the joy it brings outweighs the work it takes to do all of them. You can compare it to being in a game together where you have to constantly figure out how to overcome an obstacle, plan your next move, and safe guard yourself from issues and people that could leave you at risk to dangerous attacks. Don’t worry there is tons of love in the middle, but as they say, love is a battlefield.

And, what is a great relationship without any adversity? We experienced a great deal of it while we were engaged, and it caused us to have to make some major adjustments that I have no doubt would have torn apart a weaker couple. As hard as it is to go through these times, one of the best feelings in the world is proving people wrong who didn’t help you or tried their best to sabotage your efforts. These instances ultimately become a benefit that allows you to earn a PHD in maintaining composure when met with opposition or plain old foolery. I can truly say that God has rewarded my husband and I for sticking out our initial season of discomfort by giving us a strong foundation of love and trust in our marriage. The experience motivated me to want to support other Do- It- Yourself Brides during their time of intense stress and pressure. It is also the reason why I started this blog and completed my first book; Bride Confesses: The Good, the Bad, the Lovely, and the Ugly Truth. Trusting God and being positive about the negative really works out.

Before getting married I had some misconceptions of it being just for old people and for the unambitious. That it increased your chances of losing your “swag” or individuality, and only looked interesting when it involved the rich and famous. Instead, it has been an enhancement to my life. While I am blessed to truly enjoy my marriage, there have been surprises that I would have liked to be given a heads up about. Some things we have to find out for ourselves, but I hope let you in on a few of them.

First, you have to be tougher, kinder, and more hardworking than I thought. Being someone’s spouse is a lovely yet serious gig. No matter how wonderful the relationship, there will certainly be some unplanned events that you have to stick out but you would rather take a pass on. If there is a catch to marriage that is it- just keeping it real.

Secondly, it is continuous, there are no breaks. Not that you want any, but it is an adjustment knowing that as long as you and your spouse are alive and together you are always some one’s wife or husband. I guess that’s what FOREVER means. That is also what makes it beautiful.

Thirdly, the terms husband and wife are very powerful, even if you don’t care for them to be, and even if others don’t want them to be. There is a huge difference between girlfriend and wife or boyfriend and husband. The main difference is that while in the “friend” state you are still hoping for people to like you, hoping to be accepted, hoping to make a good impression, and hoping for approval from others. You are in a passive position, and are often at the mercy of how others feel like treating you or want to perceive you. But when you are married, it’s not that those things don’t matter, it’s more so you don’t have the time for them to matter nearly as much. Now that you are a wife or husband you have entered into one of two top positions in each other’s life. Two have become one, you matter the most, and outsiders matter less. That can be a tough pill for some folks to swallow, and a huge adjustment if you are a little timid with exercising spousal authority. But don’t feel bad using it, even if people want to pretend like you shouldn’t use yours, trust me they use theirs all the time.

Lastly, time and people are precious. Moments go by so quickly. It’s a luxury for my husband and I to not have to share each other with anyone at the moment. I know it won’t be like that always, so for now I am definitely enjoying it. I also now know how it feels to care for another person and their being on a much deeper and protective level. I can only imagine how it feels to have a child. Love is certainly consuming, but you don’t realize how much it is when you are with the person you love the most.

It’s been a pleasure sharing my thoughts with you and I hope they have given you some insight into married life. I do believe the saying is true, that all marriages are different because no one person is the same.

Here’s too many more years for me and my wonderful hubby!

Best,

Mrs. Lundy

A FOOL and his Gripes

Posted by: Rachel Bryant Lundy Posted on: May 13, 2014

There are so many harsh realities and lessons to be learned from the Donald Sterling and V. Stiviano debacle. But the one I am particularly interested in is how one relationship had the power to instantly demolish the reputation of a millionaire, who was well known for his philanthropy to charitable organizations. Not to mention, cause him to lose controlling interest in a basketball franchise, as well as single handedly make the topic of race in Sports and in America stay in the headlines for weeks. If you are not familiar with the story, Sterling’s mistress, V. Stiviano recorded him making racist comments against African Americans. They were leaked, and triggered an in depth investigation about his discrimination practices.

Putting the grotesque racial remarks aside momentarily, I am curious to know why Mr. Sterling thought it was beneficial for him to entertain the company of V. Stiviano. I’m always interested in learning what makes people take extreme risk, given the amount they stand to lose. Was he not competent enough to understand what was at stake by having the relationship? Maybe because he could afford to have her around, he couldn’t see why he shouldn’t? Did V. Stiviano give off the impression that she was innocent, harmless, and needed someone to take care of her? Did he interpret this as meaning that he could be careless with his actions around her? Whatever the case, he severely underestimated the impact that this person could have in his life if things didn’t go well (side chick gone bad). And, we as a society may also severely underestimate the impact that an abundance of wealth and power can have on an individual, who for all intense purposes has already seen their best days.

Not choosing to find out if a person has your best interest at heart, but instead allow them to tag along and enjoy all the fruits of your labor can be an easy pitfall. Especially, if you feel that you are not the sharpest, youngest, or most attractive person available. However, any engagement with a person who does not have as much to lose as you creates the potential for a dangerous situation. This may be even more so if you are getting involved with someone that has proven in the past to not be wise in their behavior and choices. Typically, any guidance you offer will be rejected and resented. One of the biggest risk with keeping the company of those who are known for being foolish, is that they are perfectly fine with sabotage and ruining lives solely to get attention. And, they are often protected by those who have enabled them. If your looking to teach them a lesson, it will pretty hard to do.

Attempting to remember what is the likely outcome when interacting with a fool can be a struggle, whether the person is related to you, a mere acquaintance, or someone you are considering having an intimate relationship with. Often, if the fool is a family member it can be hard to not try to assist or enlighten them because you care. It can be challenging to let a fool lie in his foolishness, because a fool is frequently in need. The individual may look harmless, but given the right opportunity they can become quite powerful, and in a moment take down everything you have built. On the bright side, a fool is usually able to let you know who the other fools are based on their response to his or her actions, and this could end up being a future strategic benefit.

Here are some tips on handling fools:

Don’t expect appreciation or loyalty. If you do something and they happen to benefit, keep it moving.
Don’t have fools around people and places that matter to you, they don’t see the same value, and won’t have the same respect.
If you have to engage with them, keep it to a minimum. A fool enjoys bringing you down to their level.

Rachel Bryant Lundy